Mother’s Day, for me, is kind of a mixed bag. Well, as most of you know, I’m a mommy. I love my son more than I can express, and I adore being his mother. But, right this second he’s at his father’s (he’s with me most of the time - with his father about two weekends a month) and I miss him. More than that, I miss my mother. I miss her more than I can express. The painting above hangs in my living room. She painted it when she was 13. So, although I can never physically see her, she is with me always. Always, but not quite. Right this very second I am so very sad and I wish I could hug her. Cherish your loved ones. Appreciate every moment you have with them. Appreciate yourself for the love you give.
And, When I was Watching, She Died
10 years ago to today my mom left - he helps to write/share things like this…..
I try to pick her up out of her rocking chair
“Give her rescue breathing” the respondent says
Breathing into her
Breathing into her
Breathing into her
Seven emergency vehicles
People, more people, even more people
Rushing, rushing, rushing
Someone yells, “does she have a DNR.
DOES SHE HAVE A DNR!!?!”
Although afterwards I understood the question,
then…I just could’t think
I couldn’t rap my mind around the words.
But not by fear, not by the unknown
I knew what was happening
By knowing, by knowing
She was dying
She was going to die, today
Her pain would be over
But I would be without her forever
She would not be there, anymore
In the hospital room people came and went all day
Then she and I were alone together
She took her last few shallow labored breaths and was gone
And then we were both alone separately
Although, life in general does goes on….
Missing her has not gotten easier over time - just different
I miss her
She would have loved to see my brother buy a house
She would have loved (more than loved) to see her grandchild
She would have loved to see how I’ve become an adult
She even would have gotten a kick about me and yoga
I miss her
I miss her
I miss her
Today is my Mom’s birthday. Some people say grief gets better over time. For me, with the loss of my mother, it hasn’t gotten better - just different. I miss her still so, so very much. She really was the best (kindest, smart, funny) person I’ve ever know. Amazing she was. Happy Birthday Mom!
In the pics above, one is of her 2nd b-day in the territory of Hawaii and the second was a family b-day celebration - my dad’s…I think my mom made him a lemon meringue pie (from scratch, of course)!
For the past two privious Christmases, I’ve traveled to see family. And it was really, really good to see them…but, because I knew I’d be away, I didn’t really decorate my apartment. And the checklist of all the things I had to do before I went traveling was stressful (and I spent a longer time away from work…which <since I like my job> was more stress).
This year, I’m staying home! I have a tree and the apartment is fully decorated. I’ve been relaxingly making Christmas treats and wrapping presents whilst listening to classic Christmas tunes. It’s so chill around here, I was able to do two separate yoga practices yesterday (one hip opener in the afternoon, the other a yin before bed). *And* tomorrow, my brother will be here! We are really close, so I am super looking forward to his visit. Maybe for Christmas eve, we’ll watch my favorite Christmas movie, Die Hard. That would be epic.
Have a great holiday, winter, or whatever…..but I wish good tidings to ALL!
I seem to have gotten a bunch of new followers (thanks Val!) this weekend. So, for those of you who are new, and those of you who have stuck around: Hey! and Thanks!
A little bit about me (other than what you find on http://bexmaddy.tumblr.com/tagged/mystory)
- a single mom
- an educator
- a child advocate
- like really old
- in love with practicing yoga. I’ve been regularly practicing for a bit over a year.
- a vegan. In less than a month, I celebrate 1 year being an Herbivore. I adore cooking.
- a health nut
- a native Californian. I was raised in SoCal as a child, moved up to Santa Cruz to attend UCSC and now live north of there. I dig CA, I dig it a lot.
Welcome All! Feel free to say “hi” or ask questions and such.
It occurs to me that it’s been about one complete year since I started to regularly practice Yoga. Last year around this time, I was happy with my new practice, but I wanted to do more. I wanted my body to work ahead of itself. I shared with the good friend of mine (who encouraged me to do yoga) that, although I was happy I finally found a healthy activity I enjoyed, I was frustrated I could only do plank, and not chaturanga. For foot balances, I could do tree, but not much else (and definitely not the pose pictured here). And, as for inversions: forget it, I couldn’t do any of it. So, I practiced away, and forgot about my frustrations. My body (and mind) loved Practice and over time, the poses I longed to do came naturally. I now love inversions, can easily do chaturanga, and like to explore different foot balances. Recently, I’ve been dabbling in more arm balance. Once I let the frustration go, everything became as it should be: sweet. Mind you, there’s still a ton of poses I can’t do, and I may never be able to do, but that’s ok. I am happy with the here and now and yeah. Namaste.
Besides its epic awesomeness, I’d have to say …”memories.” I first have memories of visiting the Monterey Bay Aquarium with my mother. Then, later in life, I enjoyed visiting the Aquarium with close friends. Now, I love visiting with my son. My mother is no longer with us and it is very special to me that I can share memories with my son that my mother and I shared as well. Important. Eternal. Memories.
Is it possible to have just one? We invite your comments!
This is a pic of my mom as a little girl with my grandfather and grandmother. See below for more.
My mother and her parents lived in Honolulu in from 1939-1942. My grandfather was a research horticulturalist and biochemist who helped set up the macadamia nut plantations there. Anyways, they were all there when Pearl Harbor was bombed. Afterwards, they posed for this pic - practicing wearing gas masks. This is my favorite family pic.
Well, I can’t find any pictures of me at my heaviest, but today I came across these:
I was cleaning out storage areas at my work, and I found a pair of my old pants. These pants used to be *tight* on me and now……well….when I found them and saw how big they are I actually cried a little. Just emotional.
Looking at where I am now, not only marks becoming healthy and strong(er) physically, but more so emotionally. I was in a much different *place* when I fit into those pants. It’s so very surreal to look back on all that now. Deep Breath.
Thanks for letting me share.
Don’t give up on moving forward. Don’t give up on your goals. Some goals take time. And that’s a good thing. Just don’t give up.
Eight Years ago on this day, my son was born, and life changed forever.
Life just got so much better. And every moment since, I’ve been giddy to spend every day, every hour, every minute getting to know my boy. I am where I am today because of him. He propels me to want to be a better person.
He is my light, my life, My Love.
And to quote Madeline and The Bad Hat:
“You are my pride and joy, you are the world’s most wonderful boy.”
Happy Birthday My Love!